Chronicles of a coward

This time I will save my sparkle
Come at me with that
You know I love that
I know how to combat that
A delightful sound, the chorus of hairline fractures
In your porcelain heart
See if it can make you want to live a little more
Thumbs up, smile bright
Come bearing gifts
In the coming nights
Because we both know
Your presence was never enough
And destructive as it is delicious
I did always love to tear you down
To call your bluff
Cash in your chips, pray
Grasping at the name of something that left you so long ago
Trying like hell to win a rigged game
A shadow a shade your life a misplaced sentiment
Your dreams displayed upon a burning screen
A woman made you
And a woman broke you
And me? I just sat on the sidelines
Observed the devastation
Watched you try to try
Lit a million tiny fires
Stitched together your stories
Your burdens
Your unspeakable lies


You got the world, but baby at what price?

Sometimes I feel everything, every ache, every thought, and every emotion. Sometimes it is very still inside and I think that whatever was, what used to be…what I used to be has died. I can't be sad about it, it's a relief.  I don't want anything like that alive, things that sick shouldn't have legs, shouldn't be out creeping around.

But there is a memory that still exists. You're so very near me that afternoon, I can smell you, I recall the taste of your mouth as you hover. I look at you, I flash a smile. You try to read me so I shut down and you're confused.

We have exactly what we deserve in life, don't we darling? You don't deserve anything of mine anymore. Every time you feel a hypnic jerk you think of me, the smell of incense, my head being thrown back, my body snapping like a rubber band, screaming in pain, you listened to me scream in pain. When you handed over the cash calculating...you paid what you make in an hour to have my bones cracked, and a bit of pain purged. I left a smudge of blood colored lipstick on your favorite shirt, because I had to hold you and cry and forgive you. You held me like a child, and said my name over and over. Dead, everything was dead but so raw and painful and alive.

As of late, you are more broken and defeated than I've ever seen you. It's sad and satisfying at the same time. I used to love you so and now I feel empty, just a lonely echo where there was once a sweet song.

I forgive you for the broken heart. I don't forgive you for wasting my time.


Fevers and gifts

I did as I was asked
And now halfway between home and Hades
In the middle of the night
There is a woman wrapped in sheets and fever
Listening to the flutter of minute wings
Trapped among the glass and the shades
A word, a sensation
I can feel that moment before flight
Your name that graces my lips
As I descend into fitful sleep
I wake up dizzy and restless
But there is nothing quite as sweet as this
I did
I ate of your fruit
Dreams of insistence, sanguine
As you asked of me
And now you must follow through
I am Persephone
And I am ready to be consumed.


There will never be accountability for a man who was never taught what it means to want.

In back rooms there are secrets
All sorts of things to make us sick
And behind locked doors and afternoons blurred
He held me against my will
A film over the window
Don't dare scream
What would they say?
I'd be at fault
Because I only dared to put up a weak and watery fight
And in the end count myself lucky,
Dangerous games that lead to this
I'd like to say I am better than a tale told in shadow
That I am a particular girl
But in the end I'm just a slab of meat
No different than any other repository that came before
or that will suffer the same fate
An unfortunate mix of ethanol and protein
The lady doth protest?
I see no lady before me!
So kneel
In a nature of prayer
Consider yourself poised for greatness
Consider yourself blessed
What is there to tell?
You cried wolf one too many times
And finally he came out to charge


Can't stop what's coming

One day all all have left are my bones
and the memory of your scent in the dark
and when you ask me to hand them over I will


When your pain subsides
Our only fondness will be to your quiet freedom
Your declarations of love always have the same price
A drink too much
And a mouth too sweet to ever be able to appreciate
A girl too impatient to love you anymore

Departure, 5 hours and counting.


Now here I go again I see the crystal visions

Teddy bears and sleeping pills
Help me calm the way I feel
Frays the thoughts I don't want to think
Makes me forget the bits that can't be filled
And gulp gulp
A little nap and little drink
Come close while I care
What ever gets me outta here
Whatever train that's going
Is gonna take me there
I give
I know what I give
I know what I give you when I don't put up a fight
Sleeping pills and teddy bears
Yea they're good for a little bit
So that I don't contemplate it too long
So I can learn to not give a shit
I gave
I know what I gave
I know what I gave you
Know that it doesn't make me wrong
Though we know it wasn't right
I can't remember the last time I fell for this
But I've got the bruises on my knees
As evidence
As fresh as last night
But I've got something in me now
That's gonna calm the way I feel
Soften the edges that you left rough
Much worse than I should have ever allowed
Gotta drag myself out of the darkness again
Drag myself into the light
I know what I gotta kick
I know what I gotta kick to stop being ill
A sickness that is charging now
It's bloated overdue bill
Pull me through the gates of horn, Morpheus
With a teddy bear and a sleeping pill


And now your secrets keep me up at night

Tonight drag me off, Morpheus
With a teddy bear and a sleeping pill


Pleasures remain/So does the pain/Words are meaningless/And forgettable

Tell you what you want to hear
Feed your vacant heart
Arrange varying degrees of undress
A war of worlds and thoughts
You tortured
And then set me free
Made me question my life
What is punishment
And what is philosophy
The fine line like a filament
Between bitterness
And poetry


Thanks, Rob

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
There come times in your life when you have a sacred duty to be open to interesting tangents and creative diversions; times when it makes sense to wander around aimlessly with wonder in your eyes and be alert for unexpected clues that grab your attention. But this is not one of those times, in my opinion. Rather, you really do need to stay focused on what you promised yourself you would concentrate on. The temptation may be high to send out sprays of arrows at several different targets. But I hope that instead you stick to one target and take careful aim with your best shots.

Sometimes I need reminders of how to get my shit together.



Hide yourself in someone else, don't find yourself in me.

I forgive you Magdalena
For all of the bad ideas
The love you so desperately desired
You felt drain out so slowly
You watched navigate around
And somehow filter through you
I forgive you Magdalena
For taking me along for the ride
You thought it would be fun and it was
For a while
Until what once create fantastic friction
Created a fire that you could not put out
And I was in the middle
Like a witch at the stake
I release you from it all
From the lapses in judgment
The terrible mistakes
I cut the strands of hair that still mark where you were
Where you've stood
Where you've laid
tear marked
I shred the ribbons they tried to bind you with
You were a butterfly
They all tried to catch you in their net
And they succeeded, some of them
But then you played dead
And they set you aside
The minute they turned away
You started to fly
Magdalena, I pull the pins that tore your wings
A harsh victory
A glorious mess
A bittersweet memory
I absolve you Magdalena
Of all of the things you swallowed
All of the things you hid
Manifestations of the things you were denied
Real or make believe
Nothing more to confess
I forgive you for everything
Maladies by your hand
And what they did in turn
I release you
Sleep tonight
I forgive you Magdalena

I forgive you


I ran out of white dove feathers to soak up the hot piss that comes from your mouth every time you address me.

You say my name
To make a point
To somehow define
I know how far the line extends
I put it there
From the unfamiliar to prey
And now strangers
From forced friends
It's all the same
It was nothing to begin with
It feels like a healthy empty
It is a new day
And you, a man unglued
You say my Christian name
Like a counter attack
Am I now wicked?
Your sister, now the villain
A pretty little Rumpelstiltskin
And three times over it tripped out of your mouth
I am both your promise and your curse
Did you find the spell broken?
Or are you still trapped in your own nightmare
Running as fast as you can
Tracking every mile, every moment
I watched from the sidelines
Noting pleasure bought on the black market
Counting every night spent out of the marriage bed
Any bit of empathy I had is gone
And you've fallen from grace
I felt something inside me flutter
And then I felt it again once
And then it was dead
Dried and drawn
You say my name
To make a point
To somehow define
Go on now, baby, you lost this game
I know how far the line extends
I put it there


I loved you

Who's gonna give a shit?
who's gonna take the call
when you find out that the road ahead
is painted on a wall
and you're turned up to top volume
and you're just sitting there in pause
with your feral little secret
scratching at you with its claws
and you're trying hard to figure out
just exactly how you feel
before you end up parked and sobbing
forehead on the steering wheel

who are you now
and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend
that you could figure it all out
the mathematics of regret
so it takes two beers to remember now
and five to forget

that i loved you so
yeah, i loved you, so what?

how many times undone
can one person be
as they're careening through the facade
of their favorite fantasy
you just close your eyes slowly
like you're waiting for a kiss
and hope some lowly little power
will pull you out of this
but none comes at first
and little comes at all 
and when inspiration finally hits you
it barely even breaks your fall.

who were you then?
and who are you
now that you can't pretend
that you can figure it all out
subtract out the impact
and the fall is all you get
so it takes two beers to remember now
and three more to forget
that i loved you so
yeah, i loved you, so what
i loved you
so what?